Naughty, Naughty Homer!
by blaq-ayngl
Summary: Chaos erupts when Homer makes a deal with the devil to impress Bart! Please read & review!Rated PG13 for language and drug use
1. Homer: Beer Zombie

****

Naughty, Naughty Ho-mer!

Springfield. Here we see the humans in their natural habitat. Normal, peace loving, and uglier than sin. Living their normal

lives. But wait! What is this? Here we find the Simpson species! How rare! Let us see what the are up to...

_Saturday 10:00 Am Bart's Perspective_

I was walking home proud, finally getting Nelson to give me the time of day. We were having a calm conversation about our dear fathers.

" My dad rocks!"

" No, your dad SUCKS!! MY dad rocks!"

I stepped into the house to find my dad on the couch watching "Rank: Top 10 Celebrities Who Should Be Put Out Of Their Misery", a dull monotone voice saying, "Number 10... Michael Jackson... And his nose... But mostly his nose..."

Nelson yells, "No, my dads cooler!"

I reply," No my dad's cooler!!"

"Oh yeah, dickwad?!?! My dad can shoot any cute, helpless animal from 200 yards away _and_ he's on probation for mooning the president!!

"Oh yeah?!?! Well, my dad...

I looked over the at Homer staring at the TV like a zombie with beer dripping from his mouth, and the boring TV voice saying, "Number 8... Cher. She's had so many facelifts it's bound to fall off in the middle of a Grammy acceptance speech... We mine as well save her the humiliation..." He noticed me and Nelson and said, "Nelson, Why don't you go hang out with someone who want an accident?" I was humiliated and I screamed "Dad!!!" so he would just shut up!! But it was too late. Nelson pointed and laughed "HAHA!" then walked out the door. I turned to Homer and said "Dad! Why can't you just be cool like Johnny Depp? Or Brad Pitt? Or Hitler?" He cleared his throat and said, "Well, you see son... When a mommy and a daddy love each other VERY, VERY MUCH, especially if the mommy has big hooters--" I interrupted him, "DAD!!! That's not what I said! Why can't you cure your boringness?!?! You cured your short attention span!"

".....What?"

Okay, I guess he didn't cure it... "I was SAYING--

"Oh yeah! So to make a long story short, some people just don't have what it takes to make a guacamole burger."

Guacamole burger?!?! Gross! Homer is such an ass. I guess I'll never change him. I gave him a disappointed look and then slumped away, "Oh, dad." I could tell it was effective by the look on his face. Muahahahaha.....

_Saturday 6:00 PM Homer's perspective_

I walked to the park after getting nice and drunk. I wanted to forget the look on Bart's face, but I couldn't. I sat on the swing to do some thinking. Maybe if I-- CRACK!!!!

"D'oh!" The swing broke under my weight. So I moved to the monkey bars. CRACK!!!

"D'oh!" I moved to a tree. CRASH!!!! The tree fell over, causing a fire. People screamed and ran away.

"D'oh! I guess anything I sit on will break."

Oh really, smartass?

"Yeah really"

It took you that long to figure it out? 

"Yeah."

And how long will it take for you to figure out you're talking to yourself?

"Uhhh... D'oh!!!"

Before my conversation with myself could carry on any longer, I sank into the ground and fell through an endless pit of fire and doom!!! Mmmmmmm... Doom...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-- (takes a breath) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--"

A deep voice said, "Homer...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"Homer!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"HOMER!!!!!!!!!!"

"AAA-- (takes a breath) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--"

"Homer, shut the Hell UP!!!!!"

"Mmmm... Hell...."

"And you probably have no idea where the Hell you are, do you? Or who I am?"

"Well, you see... When a mommy and a daddy love each other VERY,VERY MUCH, especially if the mommy has nice hooters--"

"That's not what I said!!" A ring of fire rose around them. "You are in Hell... And I am SATAN!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!


	2. Homer: Magic Marijuana Man

"What?!?!?!" I yelled, "You mean the guy who wears the cape and sucks people's blood?!?!"

"No, you idiot. That's Dracula." His creepy voice seemed to echo through my very soul. Wow. That sounds so Shakespeare…

"Sure…" I said. I know who he is…

"You don't believe me!"

"Yes I do!" I protested.

"I AM SATAN!! KEEPER OF THE DAMNED!!! RULER OF HEEEEEEEELLLLL!!!" Haha. It was funny how he tried to seem scary.

"Suuure…" I rolled my eyes, "So waddya want?"

"I saw what happened with you and your son." He pulled down a screen from out of nowhere and pressed a button on an overhead projector. Nothing happened. He pressed it again… Nothing. He kicked it. "WORK YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!" Then it came on. Hey, maybe cursing is the answer to everything. Just like the glove slap…

An image came on the screen of me staring at the TV. The TV going: "Number 10... Michael Jackson… and his nose… but mostly his nose…" Wow, I look good! I watched the whole horrific scene all over again. Bart looked so sad.

"So you want to be cool, huh?" Dracula said to me. "And my name is SATAN!!!"

"Okay, SATAN. I wanna be cool."

"I will provide you with powers beyond your wildest dreams--"

"You mean you'll give me a staff to turn water to blood and all that crap?" I cut in.

"No you dimwit. That was Moses. He's a dork. I'm giving you a magic pack of marijuana that will give you cool powers. But on one condition. You must be my evil minion to bring Hell to the people of earth!!! MUAHAHAHA!!!! Just smoke it and do everything the opposite of what Moses did."

"Sure!! I've been putting it off for the longest time!" I took out my list of things to do before I die and crossed out:

__

Become evil minion of SATAN by using a pack of magic marijuana.

It was right under:

__

Meet, party with, and then kill Santa.

My dreams are coming true!!! SATAN handed me my pack of magic joints, patted me on the head, and sent me on my merry way. After walking up a flight of stairs that seemed endless, (well, endless for me would be 5 stairs for you) I stepped into an elevator with Hitler in a tutu.

"HAIL HITLER!" I yelped and did the hand thing I saw on the

Three Stooges.

"Hail Hitler my ass." He said looking very miffed. The elevator went up and when I got to the surface I smoked a joint from my pack and suddenly I felt like I was full of energy! I felt like a 17 year old again! Only fatter… and balder…

I saw Flanders step out of his house wearing a pink and purple striped sweater and short white shorts. I yelled, "Hey Flanders! If I were you I'd change my name and move to a foreign country!"

"O gee! Thanks for the constructive criticism, Homer! I picked I out myself! I happen to like this outfit, but I'll keep your suggestion in mind." He yelled from across his perfect lawn. I used my super sight to read the tag on his sweater: _MADE IN WALMART_ Ha. What a cheapo. I have enough money to get _my _clothes from the dollar store.

"That wasn't constructive criticism, Flanders!" I yelled, "I'm just telling you how much you suck!!! HAHAHA!!!"

"Okee-diddly-dokee!"

"They should make a movie about how much you suck!!!" I laughed and ran away.

"Have a nice day!"

Flanders sucks. Now, to impress the crap out of Bart. I can see it now…

I see Bart being beat up by his superiors. I rush over, Superhero music playing. DUN DUN DUN!!!

"Oh no!! It's Superhomer!!!" They yell in terror. I lift my hand and flick them all the way to MARS!!!

"Wow, Dad! You're the coolest!!!!" Bart yipped with delight. "I want to be just like you when I grow up! Even though I'll never be able to because I'm a weak, bratty little rat with no brains!"

"That's right, son" I say with pride. The people of Earth then dedicate a national holiday to me.

"What day should we make it?" says the president. "I know! December 25th!"

"But sir!" says the vice president, "That's Christmas!"

"Screw Christmas! The only holiday that matters anyway is Mischief Night!"

Then the people of the world all scream:

"ALL HAIL HOMER!!! ALL HAIL HOMER!!!! HOMER… HOMER… HOMER…..

"HOMER!!!"

I looked up from my daydream. I gasped at who I saw!!! It was none other than…


	3. Homer: MindReady GrantWishy Guy

A CHEERLEADER!!!! AAAAAH!!! No… wait… it's just Bart.

"Hey!" Bart yelled. "You are looking especially evil-minion-of-Satan-like today."

"Oh," I replied, "Is it because of the upside-down pentagram on my forehead, or the sticker on my shirt that says 'Hi. I'm an evil minion of Satan'?"

"Yeah, whatever. Listen Homer, I need to take you to school today for career day and mom isn't here. Come on."

"WAIT!!!" I interrupted in a superman voice. "Let's take the Hell Mobile!"

Batman music played as a red convertible rose up from the ground as if from a fiery elevator. The bumper sticker read, "I speed up for small animals."

Dunanananananana HOMER!!!

We jumped in the car and drove to Bart's school, running over as many innocent pedestrians as I could.

"But Dad!" Bart protested, "Those people are innocent!"

"Yes," I said, "Unusually so… They are suspicious and must be destroyed!!"

BUMP went the car as I ran over a morbidly obese priest/organ donor. I just prevented the saving of about 5 lives just then. YAY!

We arrived. We stepped into Bart's classroom.

"Will everyone please be seated." said Mrs.Crobopawapawople (Homer no spell gewd.)

"Ouchie!!" I yelled, "I just sat on something sharp!! Oh, wait… That's just Lara Flynn Boyle."

"Okay Mr. Simpson, you go first. Tell us who you are and what you do." said the teacher.

I got up in front of the class. "My name is Homer Simpson. I am an evil drunken man from Hell. I enjoy torturing cute little children." A little girl began to cry. "Oh, it's okay. You can stop crying… Wait… It's not okay! I just want you to stop crying! SHUT UP!!!" I said as we were enclosed in a circle of fire and I grew vampire teeth! All the better to eat you with, my dohnuts! Mmmm… Dohnuts…

She looked up, "My mama tells me nursery rhymes to make me stop crying. Telling me I ruined her life doesn't make it any better, though."

The circle of fire went out. "Uuuugh… okay." Nursery rhyme music plays

"_Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey… Along came a spider…" she stopped crying "and st down beside her" she smiled "and said…_

HEY!!! WHAT'S IN THE BOWL BITCH?!?!?!?"

She ran away screaming. Hehe. I wonder when this will be over. I need to finish watching "Nuns Gone Wild!"

"Okay, Mr. Simpson, that is quite enough." said the teacher, "Any questions?" A cute A student raised her hand. "Yes?"

"Mr. Simpson," she said, "Thank you. You've inspired me to be a serial arsonist when I grow up!"

"Oookay… Any more questions?" said Mrs. Crabapple.

Suddenly, I fell into a fiery dimension with little flying demons everywhere. Fantasia (demon part) music playing What? You never saw Fantasia?!?! You bastard! The demon part was the best!!!

"Shut the Hell up, Homer."

"Hey! I'm talkin to myself here! (mumbles) rude…" A mirror appears in front of me. "Hey! Who's that sexy bastard? Why it's me!!"

"Oh, shut the Hell up, Homer." an ominous voice said. My reflection turned into Satan.

"AH!" I yelped.

"Hey, I don't look that bad! What the Hell is wrong with you?!?! You're supposed to be doing my evil work. How the Hell can you do that if you are lollygagging with schoolchildren?!?! Take another smoke and FUFILL YOUR DESTINY!!!"

The dimension dissipated from around me. Hehe… Homer know big word… Homer hapeeee… I took a puff and felt like a SUPER 17 year old… only fatter… and balder… Something felt different, though. I found myself outside my house. A group of nuns surrounded me.

"We know what you're up to, you vile man! We will not let you carry out Satan's wishes!!!" spat one of them.

"Shut up you whore!" I yelled at her.

"WHAT?!?! NO! I am a child of God! I would nev--"

"No, you're a child of two gay prostitutes and an anonymous sperm donor. Hey!" I said pointing to the blonde nun beside her, "Weren't you in 'Nuns Gone Wild'?"

They gasped. "It's always the blonde ones," said one of them, shaking her head, "Okay, girls. Time to burn another one."

"NOOOOO!!!" screeched the blonde one, "I needed money! Please don't burn me! 250.000 dollars worth of silicone implants gone to waste!!!"

I shrugged and went inside.

Bart, stabbed a box of cheerios. _Hehe… I'm a serial killer…_ Hey! Now I know what's different! I can read people's minds!!! I can also grant wishes! I don't know why I know that. I guess the author didn't feel like writing an explanation. BlaqAyngl, you lazy bitch… You also made a continuity error!! It's Saturday!!! There's no school!!!

(Sorry Homer) Don't you sorry me!! You and your "advanced" vocabulary

and your "advanced" writing skills! You don't even try on my story! **(Alright already, Homer! Lay off before I make it Monday on your ass!)**

Sorry, BlaqAyngl. **(Too Late.)**

Monday 11:00 AM Still Homer's perspective

A walked into Dunkin Donuts. I walked over to the cashier.

"Hi." I said, "Do you have any secrets?"

Sometimes, when I'm all alone, I think naughty thoughts about my pet monkey, George… "No, sir. I don't. _Weirdo… _Would you like to order something?" He said.

No, sir. I don't. Would you like to order something?" He said. 

I giggled like a little girl. "Yes. I'll have a chocolate donut… and Uuuummmmm…"

God, what a dingbat…

"What did you say?!?!" I said, breaking out of my daily moron trance.

"Nothing." _Fucking bum_

"Alright, that's it!!!" I pulled something out of my pocket.

"What's that?" he asked.

"It's a SPELL!!! In a shell" I said ominously, "From Hell…"

A shell from Hell?

"Yes, Mel. A spell in a shell from Hell. I can tell…"

How does he know my name?

"Silence!!! I curse you!!! I shall make you… A PREP!!!"

ZZZZAAAPP!!!!!

"Like, omigod!! Noooo!!! I have got to, like, put myself out of my misery!!!" he screamed. He pulled a gun out of nowhere (like in those cartoons) and shot himself. His blood splattered all over the éclairs.

"Nooo! Not the éclairs!!!! I wanted one so badly!" said an anonymous Springfield citizen named Miguel, "I'd die for an éclair!"

"Okay," I said, "Here ya go!"

"YAY!!"

BOOM!!! He exploded. That was really fun… I like explodey!!!!

"Here is a chocolate donut, sir." said a cute little girl, "It was mine, but you can have it."

"Awww," I said, "Thank you. You're a good girl, even though you're mother has just died under the knife of a deranged plastic surgeon and was sent to Hell."

I exited the store and came across two criminally insane 18 year old guys with anarchy signs shaved into their hair.

"You seem like a couple of good boys. Let me grant you two wishes."

"I wish all the people in Springfield were women." said the first guy. It happened, but not to me. Haha, I am immune!!!!

"I wish for a motorcycle." said the second guy. A Harley Davidson appeared in front of him (with crappy 70's special effects.)

The second guy looked at the first guy weird. _Dude, he could've just stolen one of those. I'm not wasting my wishes. _

"In fact, I wish all the people in the world were women!!!" I made that happen, too. I rock!!!

The second guy got on the motorcycle, revved it up, began to drive away and yelled, "I WISH THAT GUT WAS GAY!!!!" I like the way this guy thinks. I made it happen. Ha… he wasn't happy…


End file.
